WHAT DO YOU NEED? WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Dec 01, 2022

Every human is a remarkable biological creature. You are remarkable. Our evolution has been heavily based in our ability to communicate and, from this, build strong communities.

You are not alone in the hunt for a more streamlined process of communication with your partner(s)… to feel fulfilled within your relationship and have confidence that you can provide fulfillment to them.

Simplify things. Stop over-intellectualizing. Stop hyper-analyzing. We want to feel appreciated. We need to feel loved. It's that basic.

NEED VS. WANT

First, you have to self-process. We can't expect our partner to help us with our needs or wants if we aren't able to explicitly state them ourselves. When you can clearly identify if your request is a Need or a Want, you are ready to request a full-attention sit-down with your partner.

** Definitions below **

TIPS FOR GOOD FLOW, LOW MISCOMMUNICATION

Aim for concise statements. The more wordy you are, the more opportunities for miscommunication and sensitivity triggers.
Try to frame your request (and notice I say request rather than demand) through an “I” perspective rather than a “You” perspective. This will reduce risk of defensiveness.
Try saying, “I am feeling really insecure right now and in need of a hug. Can I count on you for this support?” instead of, “You need to give me a hug right now; can’t you see that I am upset?”.

How do we differentiate the validity of Need and Want? Below are my simple definitions between the two. Please feel free to personalize these definitions. What matters is that you and your partner(s) share the same exact definitions, not that you share mine.

DEFINITIONS

Need
“In order for me to feel safe, secure and stable, I need _____________.”
(If I do not receive this, I will feel insecure, unstable or unsafe, and the relationship will require a formal repair process to prevent long-term damage like resentment)

Want
“I would quite enjoy/ feel fulfilled by/ prefer _____________.”
(If I do not receive this, I will feel disappointed, upset or sad, however, will be able to accept this without longterm damage to the relationship.)

DR. STEPHANIE P. BATHURST, PH.D., LCMFT, CKCT, CPLC

Board Certified Clinical Sexologist
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

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